Saturday, September 03, 2005

Texts of Antiquity V: Waste Management (Antenna #34, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: A Slum-Hopper's Guide to Tele-Squalor

Tiring of the format after only two installments, I drifted into serious Fingerhut territory... The Medusa review represents the nadir/apex of (misplaced) arrogance.

After a rough night of mot-slinging with SoBe's least and dimmest there's nothing quite like worming one's way into a woefully mottled narrative. Waste Management will sub for the gentle, Karaoke-weary reader in slogging through toxic broadcast effluvia. Only those films deemed sufficiently capable of reversing life-affirming patterns will be suggested to the public by Waste Management's editorial board. We will only critique titles not yet legally available on home video.


October 25 (Friday)

The White Warrior


Spring, 1969. Dan had just turned thirteen. He met the lousy fucker at Williams' place. Reminded him of some creep he'd once hustled; he smacked him with a crowbar he'd lifted from some muscle dick's Gran Torino. Later severed his arm at the shoulderwith a butter knife... Tennessee kept a jar of Esoterica on the table by their bed. Dan greased the arm with the beauty goop and fucked it masterfully into the old dramatist bastard's ass. His spunk flew right into the channel changer. Steve Reeves jerked into view. He stepped down from the screen above the highboy, sloughed off his costume, and grabbed a brassie from thegolf bag Dan had given the aging playwright for their fourth anniversary. Reeves greased the wood with pectinous stage blood; the mixture dripped in liverish, viscid dollops from his cruel, quercine thighs. He inserted the club's sole into the torpid mouth of Dan's nether-sex. He stifled a yawn - he'd had bigger. The sinew-warped cine-cedar oiled a niblick and was soon manipulating the Hogans through Dan's benumbed duodenum. ("Miss Lanier" had long since dozed.) Dan scrawled this synopsis on the dead punk's purulent limb: "Tolstoy-smudged Freda-pep; Czar-plumed tor jocks juve tribal Caucs (Screenplay by Harry Allen)." Slept through the sand wedge.

Rasputin, the Mad Monk


Ultra-viol m'ta-guff, with Chris Lee roiling through a sanguineous, bloomer-strewn Yaweh-fest as the hirsute, drip-dick mystic. Hammer-tagged "pol" blot at a non-reductive, mitotic yaw. "Chocolat" in procrustean Congo pose.

October 26 (Saturday)

Medusa Against the Son of Hercules


Perseus, all frizettes and smart peplum pleats, leads SBG stampbearers against the hid-vis'g'd Gorgon ("Andrea Baj," ME mawke, Dead mandala sedged). Richard Harrison, avulsed by Envy, is jocund yet flexworthy in the unblushingly rissole 1963 sequel Messalina Against the Son of Hercules. Stupes affixed, "ju-ti" balloon bursts cleave reptile-pastied tit-"Bouv"'s.

October 27 (Sunday)

Curse of the Faceless Man


Poil-fused, low-watt caligarisme from peripatetic genre silurid Edward L. Cahn (see last issue). A glaive-weilding Pompeiian pumice-mug'd Laz ends odors, discomfort, embarrassment. Among other Cahn textes from '58: Suicide Batallion, the blissfully routine Mamie Van Doren melanoblast Guns, Girls and Gangsters, and the ineffable Cat Lover's Wall Clock.

The Undead


Peep this Corman-shied Trappist veronica for the majuscular Allison Hayes. She jiggles, she wiggles, she makes everybody giggle! Panoramic design helps you keep an eye on her- she's "purr-fect" for display!

October 28 (Monday)

Chamber of Horrors


Macabre tale about an amazing bisque reproduction of 19th-century Baltimore's Madonna of Lourdes. Pens look like actual bullets!

October 29 (Tuesday)

Revenge of Frankenstein


For the imperturbable Baron, ornament was the East, and Islam. Farm magnet set comes complete with metal box for storage and play! Surgical steel with strong peel-and-stick backing. Metalized polyethylene, unfrocked priests.

October 30 (Wednesday)

The Plague of the Zombies


A professor's daughter falls under the hypnotic spell of a young man intrigued by an indoor/outdoor mat for music lovers; guests take "note" as they wipe their feet!

October 31 (Thursday)

The Devil's Bride


Horror yarn with satanic cultists seeking to initiate comely author of diabetic candy, cookie and dessert cookbook. Vinyl coated steel rack hangs over-the-door or mounts on wall with included screws. Edition of 30 suites.

The Curse of Frankenstein


Although commercially available on video, this saw blade clock looks right at home on the workshop wall! Golden initials on the handsome cover tell everyone its yours. Made of dishwasher safe enameled rational order.

Taste the Blood of Dracula


Three middle-aged lechers in Victorian England dabble in black magic and wind up reviving 18 pairs of shoes and at least eight handbags in a minimum ammount of closet space. Stuffed with unbelievable exercise and diet tips, plus 12 different immense pinups of Bridget in the buff!

Dracula A.D. 1972


The resurrected bloodsucker seeks "cross-stitch" floral tablecloth. Clear poly scalloped "shell" design and white base add a decorative and feminine touch to milady's desk, tabletop, night stand.

November 1 (Friday)

The Vampire and the Ballerina


A raging storm drives two young ballet dancers into a handpainted ceramic winter wonderland. Horsedrawn sleigh takes two lovers for a ride. Graceful open-work lid with daffodil design lets pleasant fragrance filter out, yet keeps potpourri secure. Grandpa is 4", Grandma is 5".

Fright (aka Spell of the Hypnotist)


A psychiatrist uses hypnosis to treat a patient with a unique watch that's an aquarium! Frees up hands, too! Holds 100 thimbles!

November 2 (Saturday)

The Pusher


Harold Robbins-scrawled narco-mosh; brightens every tree and delights every fan! Features three mischievous felines toying with a basket full of yarn. Prelapsarian simony, pursed and sorely imputable. The Swedish Blue Angel!

-Tom Smith

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