Saturday, September 03, 2005

Texts of Antiquity VI: Waste Management (Antenna #35, Miami Beach, 1990)

Waste Management: A Slum-Hopper's Guide to Tele-Squalor

Veering even further from the assignment, although concision rears its comb-over on occasion...

After a rough night of mot-slinging with SoBe's least and dimmest there's nothing quite like worming one's way into a woefully mottled narrative. Waste Management will sub for the gentle, Karaoke-weary reader in slogging through toxic broadcast effluvia. Only those films deemed sufficiently capable of reversing life-affirming patterns will be suggested to the public by Waste Management's editorial board. We will only critique titles not yet legally available on home video.


November 8 (Friday)


(year of release: 1954/network: TNT/air time: 2:05pm/allocated time slot: 115m./actual running time: 88m.)

Fred MacMurray toplines as a detective who commits murder after a knuckle-dusting joy-fuck with blonde man-snuffer Kim Novak. When the salubrious My Three Sons star croaked on November 5th, creaking tele-tabloid doltjox moaned on and on about the too-goddamned-
familiar Double Indemnity and Disney's enambered Flubber series. Quaker-bait. Along with Billy Wilder's mordant 1960 psycho-quim-convulsion The Apartment, this pussy-scented panty romp is the hot Fred shit! Pushover director Dick Quine's master-pustule? 1965's hoss-flecked bastinado Synanon, a two-"boot" O.D. charred to a vein-collapsing crisp.

November 9 (Saturday)

Girls of the Road


A young socialite decides to devote her time to the following Nexxus products: Fusiladge, Bloated Poppie, Lava-Lava. Helm-jef Nick Grinde also stapled 1935's lactase-shawled moto-habanero Ladies Crave Excitement.

Life Begins at 17


A college fraternity brother attempts to charm a local beauty into competing for classic penny loafer and tassel lounger sets! A yeast-cloaked, langue d'oc'd larvaesleeve, built to last with tripe-Karsh'd bi-welt construction and long wearing Vibram Evaflex soles and heels!

November 10 (Sunday)

Glamour for Sale


A vice cop learns that blackmail and extortion are the highest priorities when colorfully patterned in folk art style! With a bevy of sheep, cows, pigs and geese meandering back to barn; Epicurus manflowered in "aphid", bodhih-raked monotones!

November 11 (Monday)

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die


A scientist discovers a way to mass-extend wardrobe possibilities with a mock-T in an array of appealing colors! Women from his hibernation harem look great tucked into jeans or snuggled against the skin under favorite sweater! The salmon (echt-Finn) is its own fish!

November 13 (Wednesday)

The Secret Invasion


A group of international crime "specialists" are promised a parole if they will combine classic dress shoe styling, uncommon durability and complete comfort for day-to-tongue Hogmanay wear. Roger Corman's Dirty Dozen precursor increases diameter of hair shaft; special toners eliminate yellow!

November 14 (Thursday)

Tarzan, the Ape Man


Tinted footage from other "Tarzan" features is edited into this wan bog magot that finds the ape-man (blond UCLA anomal-cauc Denny Miller) leading Jane and her father to the sacred Powder Keg Parka! Sad, sober musing pinned to "trout"-mat; Black Liz is Hen!

Drums of Africa


A railroad engineer and his nephew (thesp red root Francis Avalon!) plan a new blended interlock knit, but encounter opposition from an advanced Lifa Prolite yarn and new lined Supplex Windpants. A lotus-loined bad-doc fleshtout!

The Neanderthal Man


An experiment in evolution goes awry, transforming a mild-mannered scientist into blue, teal blue, white, raspberry and dark magenta pinwale cords. A hat and ashplant-potted pinedrop; crunch-absolved tote lore for the dhole-scrubbed "wee"-trew!

November 15 (Friday)

I Aim at the Stars


A fictionalized account of Polartec Series 300 (formerly Polarplus) polyester fleece and its use in the American space program. Engrossing account of double-fabric shawl collars and flapped,
nylon cargo pockets!

November 16 (Saturday)

The Strange One


An emotionally disturbed senior at a Southern military academy sadistically bullies the supple cotton shell of a classmate's new mackinaw! Calder Willingham's study of Jocko de Paris, whose handsome, durable 100% worsted wool sweater (knit in traditional fisherman's stitch patterns) wreaks havoc in circles of smooth nylon taffeta!

It Happened in Athens


During the 1896 Olympics, a rustic wins the hand of a four-layer Optifoam sockliner with shock-absorbing heel pad cushions. A torp-bong'd Jayne Mansfield can't imagine a complete wardrobe without at least one good oxford cloth shirt in it! (Dish owners only.)

November 17 (Sunday)

Edge of Eternity


A sadistic murderer is tracked to the Grand Canyon area in the traditional winter underwear of woodsmen, hunters and fishermen. Script pages 40-41:

Cornel Wilde: Shirt; Shoes; Sport coat, shirt and tie!

Victoria Shaw: Sport coat; Shoes; Sport coat; Shirt!

CW: Sport coat and trousers! Shirt and trousers!

The Angry Breed


A recently returned Vietnam veteran gets into trouble with Fastex buckles and struggles to maintain his traditional button-front storm coat (in a warm and durable 85% wool/15% nylon blend)! "Wow" is the automatic response!

The Crimson Kimono


The murder of a beautiful burlesque queen sends two detectives through the sturdiest socks we offer (in the warmest, most comfortable boots we have found)! Ult-aut Sam Fuller fucks all kino-sh'd ur-Christs; signature putti release pee-arc'd antacids!

November 18 (Monday)

Babies for Sale


A crusading reporter finds evidence that a local nursing home is actually a front for cabalists harboring a weathered cotton crewneck sweater (charcoal with black)!

Spy in the Sky


An American secret agent gets caught up in a web of soft pigsuede leather when he sets out to find a German scientist who has durable and functional pants for hiking, backpacking, working around the home and other outdoor activities! An orange wool satin matellass‚ asymmetrical coat abandons "painting" altogether.

Hercules, Samson and Ulysses


Three legendary gladiators join forces against the warmest flannel shirt you have ever seen! Hercules is mistaken for Samson after he and Ulysses battle two large pockets (men's front patch and women's on-seam). Blame it on ecotourism!

November 20 (Wednesday)

Johnny Cool


An Italian boy raised by a Sicilian guerrilla is sent to New York to wreak vengeance on the wearers of well-tailored, handsome trousers cut from thickly napped, heavier weight corduroy. Zippered fly, set-in belt loops and straight legs mean instant death! Sammy Davis, Jr. sings "The Mad Bomber Hat."

November 21 (Thursday)

The Man With My Face


A man returning from a trip discovers that a stranger who looks just like him has a denim skirt with a difference- you'll see it in the details! In keeping with that season's emphasis on the head-to-toe Total Look, he gets to go without makeup, pantyhose, and high heels for days on end!

The Man Who Turned to Stone


A group of demented scientists must prey upon the energy of young girls to avoid drawstring hoods with 3-button placket fronts. "Commando" fit is trim, stretchable and easy to move in!

-Tom Smith

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